עברית

Relationship coaching

Posted on May 9, 2009 by Yaron Margolin – (Click here for questions and making an appointment)Where does the difficulty of many, men and women alike, in create a long and lasting relationship stem from? What is the source of the conflict between the sexes and how do different interpretations of a shared experience affect the possibility of continuing a relationship which has just started? After many years as a relationship trainer, years in which I accompanied many couples to wedlock and beyond, I decided to put pen to paper, and write a short article about the different ways in which the female and male brain works, about the matter of sex, of other important differences between the sexes, the common ground, and of how to turn a relationship into a success. About the emotional brain, ways of thinking about sex, and empathetic dialogue and its effects on existence or absence of a relationship. Attraction between the sexes powerful, but its ways are complex – so much so, that without sexual desire, it seems the nowadays there is no possibility of creating a long term relationship between women and men. The main difficulty stems from different nature of sensing/thinking that men and women have when interpreting the same events.

The development a relationship requires patience and understanding of two different languages: male and female. And these languages ​​differ fundamentally in their essence, what they emphasise and the speed in which their express themselves. The difference is so significant it creates misunderstanding and confusions about the simplest of events such as the first date or the communication that follows straight after… This different nature of reacting to same events by men and women and the as well the way in which they perceive them in their mind can either make or break the chance of creating a relationship. The reason thinking develops differently in men and women is due to genetics, hormonal changes, a different anatomical structure, and a different brain biology (as well as society effecting their district part responsible for socialization in their brain). The brains of the male and female are different, and we must take into account changes in temperament, different areas of interest and character, and so we arrive at a setup of countless conflicts originating from a different culture of interpretation of a shared experience. In order to arrive at a relationship peacefully one must understand these different languages. An understanding of the female language is required of the men! An understanding of the male language is required of the women! And so understanding is required of them both of the other’s theory of perception, containment of an experience and theory of emptying. So here I present you with a chapter in relationships coaching. Everything, but everything is about the experience of emptying in the male brain, a part of the male language that many young women pay for in loss of relationship as they lack understanding of!

"I told my friends of your theory of emptying”, told me Diana. “I was sure they would explode with laughter, but no. Adi was excited and said; “I told you …” Ela decided to test it on the new guy she just started seeing called Roy and it simply works. Tיhis is really something" laughed Diana. She came to me for couples coaching at the age of 32 desperate to have a relationship and children before the age of 35. Men have limited capacity and few options in comparison with women, with regards to emotional data processing in the brain. Women have eight brain paths for processing emotions, which gives them a massive and fast emotional activity. Men on the other hand have a narrow side road – a little dirt road for processing experiences and containing them. (Dr. Lausanne "female brain," Matar edition, 2008, translated from English by Yael Gazit, p 118) In order to better understand the difference in the data processing facility between the two brains Imagine a giant football stadium with wide roads and extensive access leading to it and also 8 such exits, much like road 6 and the Ayalon road in Israel. Through such road many people travelling back and forth freely.And on the opposite side another stadium, old, in the heart of a traditional neighbourhood in the heart of a huge city. Through that stadium also travel many people – hundreds and thousands, coming and going through the road leading to it with their cars. However, the road leading to this venue compared to the new sports centre is a single dirt road, a narrow road, such as the road leading to a beach that few know of or familiar with its existence. A bystander will therefore observe how a naive football fan coming to the game at the old stadium will spends three days and three nights till he finally manages to exit through a rickety dirt path to on his way home. Such is the male brain – a huge sports centre full of life, thoughts and highly charged masculine events, but with a small area intended for processing these experiences: a side road such as in the old stadium I mentioned above. Take for example a young man who goes through an exhilarating experience such as falling in love, and he becomes full with it. His brain is particularly full up, especially if he has gone through a powerful romantic experience and it slowly empties from this experience, using the little side road, the dirt path. Experience shows that the approximate time the process of emptying and processing of the experience will take in the male brain is between 3 to 9 days.

In contrast, the female brain is much more agile and process the emotional experience a much quicker – an hour and sometimes even a few seconds and its conclusion will be ready.

This gap in processing time, that is to say the emptying of the brain channels in a man and a woman is what causes so many women to prevent men from forming intimate relationships with them and on the other hand – for women’s suffering from men ignoring them during a long and stable relationship.

This gap in processing time, that is to say the emptying of the brain channels in a man and a woman is what causes so many women to prevent men from forming intimate relationships with them and on the other hand – for women’s suffering from men ignoring them during a long and stable relationship.

"Wait three days – he will call" I said to Noa, Ruth, Delia and to Amit and Oded … "Dot bother him before he is empties of the experience – don’t annoy him with intensive phone calls."

No man can hold, process, experience, conceptualize and conclude immediately, unless his masculinity is not clear to him as such. Not yet emptied, you contacting him, yours attaching yourself, is perceived in his mind as a threat and he will come out to attack you.

"A man that is currently processing the experience, the depletion and reasoning, sees you approaching as a nuisance. Imagine yourself trying to go against the traffic on a side dirt road"

I explained to Irza, "a road that is full of stressed out travellers, all hoping to get out of a full football stadium. You can insist on your right to pass, on a lack of manners and morality, but you have zero chance of a tranquil journey, as it is most likely that you will experience a violent reaction. You are in the way of the general direction of travel. You need to learn that there are roads you should only take at certain times when they are not jam packed with transportation.

The emptying clock works on odd numbers and multiples of three: 3, 5, 6, 7, and 9

" The processing of an emotional experience is much slower in men than in women, and experience shows that the emptying clock works on odd numbers and multiples of three: 3, 5, 6, 7, and 9 – a phenomenon that can be followed and through which one can be helped in developing tolerance and patience.

Emptying in necessary in order to process the data, draw conclusions, make decisions and create a long-term life plan, and therefore it is an important phenomenon for a woman to recognize and be patient with.

Men avoid a deep experience when they need to reach far-reaching conclusion.

Men avoid a deep experience when they need to reach far-reaching conclusion. They move away, close up, deny, put on a poker face, fall asleep and disappear.

they often prefer to work through a deep experience through speaking

Women act differently. The emotional process of emptying in women and girls extremely quick. The thinking part of the brain is available to them after experiencing a loaded emotion and more; they often prefer to work through a deep experience through speaking. Men are different.

The emotional experience moves out and empties slowly in the male brain

The emotional experience moves out and empties slowly in the male brain and the thinking brain digest the meaning of the experience through behaviour and reasoning rather than speaking. Dr. Van Brizndein, one of the leaders in the field of neuroscience explains in her book "The female brain" (2008, published in Hebrew by Matar editions) says on page 119 that women need verbal communication in order to feel desirable, feel safe in a relationship, and in order to know they act to the satisfaction of their partner.

In the absence of verbal communication "a woman will become anxious and fear she might be losing the man.

She might even think he is having an affair.”

This gap between the two ways of communicating fails many couples in the beginning stages of a relationship, and at a later stage can prevent men from becoming active, present fathers. Creating emotions in women, in her hippocampus – occurs in a much larger area of the brain then that of the man’s, and the same goes for the brain pathways related to the female language and observation of feelings in others. (Goldstein 2005, Goldstein JM, JerramM, PoldrackR et al. Hormonal cycle modulates arousal circuitry in women using functional magnetic resonance imaging. J) This means that women, on average, express emotional well and remember the details of emotional events.

The male brain is more developed part in in the amygdala, the region that belong to the survival mechanism: wait, attack or flee (Dr. La Du, 2005 "emotional brain", Am Oved edition in Hebrew), that's why men are faster at going from a calm state of mind to an attack.

Women will prefer to have a discussion about events that might provoke a threat or an aggression, whereas men prefer go straight to aggressive action. They do not find an aggressive discussion difficult.

The violent and aggressive discourse is in a man’s comfortable zone, no so for a woman.

Biology controls and teaches us that the masculine essence is different from the feminine in all that refers to managing everyday life and that includes relationships.

Relationship coaching is designed to enhance, understand, acknowledge and gradually change the existing situation.

Life in the twenty-first century is not in line with the differences between the two brains. Modern life is mentally ahead evolution. Therefore we must work around, change our physical condition – the anatomy of the brain and bring it closer to our desire (mental desire) for a new life, modern and more advanced. We need to practice, be patient, persevere, have determination, in short train – in order to be able to build the so much desired relationship.

In relationship coaching we distinguish between "female communication" : a verbal reaction to emotional experiences and containment of an experience, and “Male communication”: getting away for the purpose of emptying and physical encounters – Sex, sex and lots of sex.

When the female hormone, oestrogen, rises in the blood stream and floods a woman’s brain, women beginning to focus on feelings and emotional verbal communication. From the age of puberty girls focus “female communication “. They frequently speak on the phone for long hours with each other, and spend time with female friends in shopping malls. Girls can discuss for a very long time about the smallest of actions a boy took in the hope of understanding their motives. Men get bored of such talks.

Hila: "Yaron, Yuval put his hat on my dresser yesterday – what does it mean?” the 14 years old Hila demanded to understand. She has been discussing this issue on the phone for the past 4 days with her girlfriends. Women have a "supernatural" ability, as far as men are concerned, to recognizing emotions and moods changes according to facial expressions, gestures, tiny changes in behaviour and the tone of voice which expresses itself in the ability to resolve desperate situations, violence and set things right or deepen friendly relations. They enjoy all emotions related topics (This matter nowadays is tied in with the term emotional intelligence. See the book by Dr. Daniel Goleman, 1997, "Emotional Intelligence", Matar edition for Hebrew). Men are miles away from this way of feeling and thinking, are quick to anger, to express irritation and frustration. Repetitive conversations on the same subject bore them, as does a discussion about emotions. They need real training to dismantle amassed rage slowly (a female trait as far as they are concerned) and not by resorting to a quick fist fight. They are truly much weaker in terms of emotional intelligence and prefer quick action to a prolonged debate. For the male brain reaching quick resolution is almost exclusively the only way. A long discussion seems to them as a wasted time meant for taking action. Men must train in order to develop emotional intelligence. This means a training which enlarges and enhances their perspective on reality, and in understanding there is another language – a female emotional language.

Recognising the male points of strengths and power as well as the weak points one has to grow out of such direct and quick move towards violence..

Recognising sensations is very difficult for men, as well as building a vocabulary with which to articulate emotions in words. Male brains have difficulty seeing relationships, something which comes to women naturally, i.e. recognising there are thoughts which awaken rage, turbulent feelings and violent reactions. If women put an emphasis on emotional management: i.e. understanding a sensation which causes pain to men, or the events which generates a sense of outrage and anger and “a raised fist” in him, a man might still carry on as usual, that is to say: walk away from the conversation. Creating a spatial vision and developing insights and empathy towards the event that created anger in a boy, youth or a man wakes the rage in him again, and he struggles to understand the reasons behind this reaction.

A man who gets angry with a driver which cuts him on a busy road is similar to an extent to the man who angers when a woman wishes to discuss with him his behaviour toward her. During the coaching sessions he will be asked to put himself in her place and look at himself as an aggressor and to try to explain to himself the difficulties in living side by side with his aggression. Women enjoy organising emotions, managing emotions, viewing and identifying emotions in others, but men don’t. On the contrary, men engaged in what Paul Ekman calls "the rules of showmanship". Ekman has studied the social competencies, especially the ability to express emotion. For men there is a social consensus in this area and they strive to minimize the display of emotions and even in cases in which it causes them inconvenience, men prefer putting on a poker face and living. "The rules of showmanship" decree that raising a fist demonstrates power and takes a man away from the space of feeling weak or insulted. Women wish not to succumb to violence inherent in these rules. They only wish to understand the male need to turn a position of emotional weakness into an action that empowers him.

Men need to be channelled into empowering actions that do not humiliate them as aggressors. For example, to better manage their career and expand their earning capacity. The female ability to identify the discontent disguised in the “rules of showmanship" does not give them advantage here, but rather is another threat to the emotional state of weakness that the man is trying to get away from by taking action. Such an issue who constantly puts men and women on opposing side makes the process of creating a relationship hard, also for married couples. In its basis stands the contrast between the female and male brain.

During sessions in my clinic or the coaching for continued love and avoiding divorce I came across many expressions of these gaps: he complains of 'unreasonable demands "and lack of patience, including outbursts toward absences, and she laments over his poker face and his indifference to what she says.

She recognizes anger, resentment and weaknesses and he shows power which she exposes as fake. The first session in relationship coaching is about the different ways of communicating.

Perhaps as a result of working though these difference in men and women last year I managed to bring some 19 people desperate for creating a relationships to marriage and in the previous year 8 couples in crisis to a loving relationship. Men I've worked with developed emotional intelligence, an emotional environment clean of pollution and anxiety, and a tolerance towards the “female way of communicating”. Women I worked with developed emotional tolerance and a cleaner ecology in the face of the male need for emptying, the need for an incubation period in the containment of the emptying, and not viewing the “rules of showmanship” as an artificial pose. A man in the process of empting is no ignoring a woman, is not un-attracted to her sexually; on the contrary, he is soaring into his rich emotional life and looking for a good route for landing and is always with his faithful partner. A man who empties is simply manly and the testosterone is running healthily in his blood.

Men who have developed a tolerance towards the irritating “day after an exciting event” phone calls and contained the outbreaks of full-on rebuke of their girlfriends realized that this was not women sticking their nails in to their flesh obsessively and all the muscles in their body, but femininity at its best. Ruth began a new relationship, and came to me in the third week of her relationship with the Asaf. "We went to Eilat, the hotel was wonderful, even the sexual connection, all the signs where there of a relationship that is going to get on the right track … This was the first time we had sex, I fell in love with him … I went back to work the day after, it’s has now been a week and I haven’t heard from him. I am desperate."

I introduced my emptying theory and recommended that she wait nine days. “The experience you are speaking of is so strong that Assaf likely to take 9 days to empty it, to go back to missing you, call you and express his desire to you.” The next meeting Ruth was happy. On the ninth day Asaf called… "So every time I go to Eilat with him for a fantastic weekend I’ll have to wait nine days? I’ll go crazy." Ruth’s female brain quickly emptied, its 8 channels facilitated it with its quick data processing, but Asaf has a side road, a dirt road to his male brain. This topic is so difficult for young women to understand in this quick to understand modern times. The second class dealt with the Hunter theory in order to reassure Ruth. In every man lies a legendary hunter running in the rain forests to hunt deer for the sake of a wonderful girl that he desires, so he can offer it and himself to her in passionate intercourse. Other differences are learned in the third session dedicated to sexuality: "Men have an area equivalent to the largest airport in the world for processing thoughts related to sex, while women have a small airport designed for small and private aircrafts," said Dr. Van Brizndein in page 118 in her book "The emotional brain”. "The place and the processing power designed sex in the male brain is twice as large then that of the female brain". Therefore men contemplate sex all day and their brains are lit up with sexual arousal in almost every moment in contrast to women! Women think of communication, relationships and relationship for men is all about action and that mainly means sex.

After sex comes the emptying… Men are very fast when it comes to rage and excruciatingly slow when it comes to pleasure.

Idan came to see me after many years of casual relationships, full of complaints.

He had a date with Ya’ara the day before yesterday: “I got up in the morning at 9.00. On my mobile there were 2 messages from Ya’ara, 6 unanswered calls and one other nasty voice message. I decided to get rid of her”, Declared Idan. His behaviour clearly did not leave a space for me to try and awaken in him the normal process of emptying and the possibility of reaching a conclusion that will be helpful for his life: "female communication" is part of the life of a woman who is interested in relationships and clearly very much so interested in a relationship with you.

Ruth realized by the second lesson that Asaf’s “airplane” must land after 9 days of running around, but his landing is complex, as it cannot land in a tiny private airport. She should allow him to land his in his airport and then take his motorcycle and coast to her with it. Asaf will arrive.

He will do so because his head is full of sexual thought connected with Ruth.

The second male language all about sex.

It is a physical language that must be acknowledged. It is about the encounter between the female language which requires verbal communication and male language which requires physical communication: violence in survival situations and rising passion which expands more and more. This is what the third lesson is all about.

How does one speed out the emptying process and bring a man to return quickly?

This is a question many women ask.

How does one calm down the female desire to speak about “shared experiences”? That is a question many men ask.

How does one soften the yearning women have to talk about “shared” experiences is what men are interested in knowing and is what the forth lesson is all about.For a man to come back quickly, for him to empty up in a speed which suits you, you must know his did not evaporate into thin air, but that he is going through a process which is all to do with him and with the hormonal load in his brain, but that he is certainly attached to you.

One must avoid backing him up into a corner, as he might feel threatened and run away as per usual: attack or flee. You can bypass the narrow path that empties and processes his thoughts by creating a new and stimulating experience.

How to do that is as we said something we will deal with in the fourth lesson. For example, there are many different ways to give a foot massage. Heating feet for example, speeds up the sexual desire in women as well as a gentle and releasing touch but there are form of foot massage which balances the emotional brain, release the survival cycle state and situations of distress which rule many men, and by so doing speeds up the process of emptying.

It is worthwhile to occasionally send you man for a good foot massage (In the Margolin method) and it is worth your while to send your woman to a foot treatment with heat with a woman that specialises in it.

Relationship coaching is a process in which one gathers information, gives information, and the days between one session and another give one the time to fill in the old gaps for both women and men, and acquire a new awareness. The different manner of organising emotions, thoughts and sexual expression is considerable between the sexes.

This makes it difficult for young couples who desire a relationship in an age where they get to meet up quickly, live in tremendous intensity, and eat readymade food.

The transition between the unfamiliar to the first encounter lasts but a few seconds thanks to new technologies and the Internet and places such as pick up bars, but a relationship is constructed in biological codes that belong to the cave man era, to the time where biology was established and in which the structure of the brain developed as well as the various hormones that control it. Time is needed to contain them, and true resourcefulness is needed to facilitate the possibility moving in together to a joint space. Moving in create a new kind of conflict which is what we deal with in the fifth lesson.

The differences between the two languages are awakened again and conflict grows and intensify with it – for that too there is coaching and a solution available, which we will meet for and discuss in the fifth lesson.

Note: Relationship coaching for men is a growing phenomenon in Israel. I have experience in coaching men both in Israel and abroad, as well as in coaching homosexual men for heterosexual relationships – a difficult and complex coaching process.

My first homosexual trainee desiring a heterosexual relationship came to me in the early eighties, and today he is a happy father and lives in a fascinating relationship with his wife.

וואנג אידונג Wang Yidong, סין (1955) צייר שמן

In my Tel-Aviv clinic I am currently training several men who are in different stages in their relationships, and two have already gotten “married”, having gone through a coaching process no less complex than that of coaching for a heterosexual relationship.

The attraction between the sexes is a powerful one, and the fast road to its realisation is not the slow road required for it establishment.

The development of a relationship requires patience and an understanding of both languages: male and female. These languages are different in their essence because of a different biological structure and the different brain biology of the male and female, the quick female emotional space in contrast with the slow male one…. In order to reach a peaceful relationship one must have an understanding for a woman’s necessity for verbal communicating and in the male emptying theory. This year I brought 8 couples to marry; in some weddings I was able to be present and in others not sadly, due to my work load. The satisfaction of bringing couples to marry is sky- high, and I would like to take this opportunity to thank all my trains. Yaron Margolin 5.5.2010 For making an appointment For questions – here

Note: All of the above, is not a cure or a recommendation for treatment, it is merely food for thought.

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בבקשה לא להתקשר משום שזה פשוט לא מאפשר לי לעבוד – אנא השתמשו באמצעים שלפניכם –

למען הסר ספק, חובת התייעצות עם רופא (המכיר לפרטים את מצבו הבריאותי הכללי של כל מטופל או שלך) לפני שימוש בכל תכשיר, מאכל, תמצית או ביצוע כל תרגיל. ירון מרגולין הוא רקדן ומבית המחול שלו בירושלים פרצה התורה כאשר נחשפה שיטת המחול שלו כבעלת יכולת מדהימה, באמצע שנות ה – 80 לרפא סרטן. המידע באתר של ירון מרגולין או באתר "לחיצות ההחלמה" (בפיסבוק או MARGOLINMETHOD.COM ), במאמר הנ"ל ובמאמרים של ירון מרגולין הם חומר למחשבה – פילוסופיה לא המלצה ולא הנחייה לציבור להשתמש או לחדול מלהשתמש בתרופות – אין במידע באתר זה או בכל אחד מהמאמרים תחליף להיוועצות עם מומחה מוכר המכיר לפרטים את מצבו הבריאותי הכללי שלך ושל משפחתך. מומלץ תמיד להתייעץ עם רופא מוסמך או רוקח בכל הנוגע בכאב, הרגשה רעה או למטרות ואופן השימוש, במזונות, משחות, תמציות ואפילו בתרגילים, או בתכשירים אחרים שנזכרים כאן.

Note: All of the above, is not a cure or a recommendation for treatment, it is merely food for thought.